The Other Side of Nothingness

Vulnerability and Doubt come along with Sadness when there is an open invitation from Depression. How do I know about this? It is because I had dealt with them before and let them in my abode as they were all ready to consume me.

About two years ago, I was all by myself, contemplating about life and what has yet to come. As honest as I can be, those times were horrible. I was on the edge of a cliff and was facing a wide raging ocean with nowhere in particular to put my sight on. In that moment, it was just full of emptiness.

What happened next was when I decided to take risk on that very cliff where I lifted my foot forward in the air. My balance was teasing me to take the fall. But I was not that of a fool and placed my foot back on the ground and felt ease somehow. I took one step backward and shivered a little. I took one more step backward and felt all the shivers in my body. In that moment, I was filled with coldness.

Time passed by and I was also getting used to that cold place. It felt like staying there steadied me. For a long time, I was enjoying such place not caring for whatever circumstances that may occur. Suddenly I can no longer sense anything. I was so fascinated with the coldness it had brought me. I explored that place even more and toured every corner. I eventually stumbled upon darkness.

Meeting darkness was the horrifying phase of what I experienced that time. I was so frightened by the unpleasant atmosphere there. It made me think of names that I wanted to call out yet I dared not to even make a noise. I felt all the burden in the world and loneliness was my only friend. I felt like I have reached the weakest point in my entire life. I cried until there were no enough tears to shed. I was so out of words and have become numb. I embraced that nothingness.

From that moment, depression consumed me. I was vulnerable, full of doubts and sadness was my comfort. I welcomed this awfulness when nobody was there to keep me company. However, such awfulness kept me as a hostage. There I was still unwanted. I closed my eyes and prayed to wake up from that nightmare. I pinched myself several times just to bring me back from unconsciousness to my reality but little did I know, I was living the same all along.

I gave up easily that I have not, even once, showed any resistance. I never thought that the exhaustion I went through could be possibly felt by a person. I endured an indescribable pain. I just wanted it to stop. It was a phase of mentally and emotionally dying. A phase I feared most that I wished countless times for me to escape.

Nonetheless, I refused to be swallowed entirely by that dreadful state and to be fed of things I could have never imagined. I remember I was running forward in the fastest pace without knowing where to go and what awaits in the end. There may be unforeseeable consequences but that did not stop me from running. I was breaking sweats I did not know my body can produce. I ran til I can almost feel a swift race inside my heart. I was running and saw a radiating light, and felt as if it was reaching for me and was urging me to run faster maybe because I was halfway there. When I was slowing down to catch my breath, a force from the light grabbed me by the hand and my body felt a sudden rush of hope.

I guess it was a run for my future, or better yet, for my life. Hope brought me back to the exact edge of the cliff I was standing before. I listened to the raging waves as I closed my eyes and embraced the unexplainable solemnity. Such hope told me to inhale the air and enjoy its warm breeze. I slowly opened my eyes and for a while, calmness eased my heart that was almost beaten from all the running. I finally felt how to be alive again and that exact moment, I never knew how I have missed living for quite a long time.

A hopeful place that I was once scared of. It is the other side of the emptiness I had dealt with before, for now I can only see the navigable ocean, a place where I could explore. It is the other side of the coldness I had felt, for now I can only sense vital warmth. It is the other side of the darkness of the place I have been to, for now I am admiring the golden sunrays. It is the other side of the nothingness where I have been held captive, for finally, I can be freely inspired.

No more suffocation, only acceptance of greater euphoric possibilities.

#blog #2018 #write #story #self #life #hope #thoughts #sadness #depression